What is Nagging?

Welcome to Azevedo Family Psychology’s Modern Commitment Series, hosted by Dr. Don Azevedo in Raleigh, NC!

In this episode, Dr. Azevedo discusses the following topic: What is nagging really about and how do we stop nagging or stop being nagged?

Points Covered in this Episode:

• Let’s first define nagging. The behavior of nagging is the persistent harassing of one individual by another in order to accomplish a task.
• In general, nagging is a later stage in a process that began with a request or an unspoken expectation.
• It can be an unspoken expectation like guys take the garbage out so why isn’t my husband doing that every night or two? Or, we’re married now, I expect sex at least 3 times a week; why is she not interested.  Of course, both of these examples are terribly stereotypic and unfortunately show up often in my office.
• When one person has an expectation that is not being met, it is not unusual for them to start engaging in nagging to get the job done and, more importantly, fulfill their expectation.
• The other way nagging starts is that a request is made that does not have specific parameters such as “Honey, can you take out the trash?” The answer is usually a quick “Sure, babe.”  What isn’t known is that person one meant right now and person two meant sometime before going to bed.  When 15 minutes pass without the trash going out, the request happens again with growing agitation and resentment on both sides.
• You can stop this cycle by looking at your own behavior. If you are the one with an expectation or a request that is not getting fulfilled, clarify with your partner that they share the same expectation with the same timing and completeness criteria.  If timing and completeness differ, resolve the difference to set a clear, open expectation about the issue.  There are no right answers here; only the answers both of you freely agree to.
• If you are the recipient of nagging, look at your own behavior. Are you saying “Yes” when you mean “No” or are just not listening?  That is the most common reason for recipient based nagging.  An honest “No” is so much better than a false “Yes”.  When you say yes to your partner, you are making a commitment even if it is a tiny thing like taking out the garbage.  When you violate that, it sets a precedent that you don’t take the commitment seriously or the relationship seriously.  Ok, I hear you saying “It’s just the garbage!”  Really, it is not.  It is your integrity and therefore the integrity of the relationship.  Say yes when you mean yes.  Say no when you mean no.